Seminar on Men's Issues

A seminar on Men's issues: Who's listening?
Date: 02 June 2010.
Venue: Menlo Park Hotel, Headford Road Galway

Guest Speakers: Prof Brid Featherstone, NUIG Galway, Sam Butt, Families, Fathers and Friends, Ms Brid Manifold, Family Law practitioner and Mediator

Text of Sam's speech

Families Fathers and Friends, the words are self explanatory and it tries to deliver exactly what it says on the TIN. For once there is an organisation focusing on the cause and effect pertaining the male whose mindset and conditioning is mostly from the last century.

What and why is a question often asked which will become apparent as we go along.

From an early age my parents drummed and ingrained three principles in their offspring. Common sense, common decency and accountability. My father being a military officer made sure that I understood these principles. Integrity and self respect came along the way.

I have lived my life through these principles.

BUNREACHT NA hÉIREANN describes the family and its rights, family law makes provisions in principle and in practice everything goes haywire to the detriment of everyone especially our children and their future, notwithstanding the fact that fathers, decent fathers are an integral part of their future.

Statistics in the West show that there is a fifty percent chance of a relationship collapsing and the structure of a family has changed beyond recognition with a multitude of facets.

Five years ago I became one of these familial statistics. Having never seen the inside of a court house, I was shell shocked with what transpired. But what hit me most was the realisation of knowing next to nothing about the due process. Thankfully such is not the case anymore. It took a lot of hardship and sacrifice with the aim of achieving the common good.

As I was leaving the court, a frail and tired looking lady approached me on the footsteps of the court. For some reason her solicitor asked her to speak with me. She told me how her 34 year old son, the youngest of her brood, a father of two children had not seen daylight for two years. He refused to leave his room as repeatedly he was denied access to see his children and had gone into a dark place where his only solace was prescribed anti depressants.

We talked and I promised to get back in touch with her. Whatever flimsy advice I could give I did. Thankfully a couple of months later a letter arrived stating that her son had heeded my advice and found a sense of hope.

In June of 2005 Families, Fathers and Friends opened its office on Tuam Road and received its charity status in 2006.

To date we have dealt with over 2,500 men in person and answered over 1600 emails per annum. The oldest client was 73 years of age and the youngest 7. An average of thirty and more calls is answered on a weekly basis. Initially this was from around Ireland but in the past year calls from as far as UK, mainland Europe, USA, and Canada have been answered. Our website is being watched all around the world and peaked with over 48,000 hits in one month.

In the past five years this office has been kept open with the princely sum of less than €30,000 received in small grants from state and charitable benefactors yet the value for services provided has been estimated in excess of one million per annum by senior civil servants.

Currently we have the services of three law graduates and four professionally qualified counsellors amongst our team of eighteen volunteers. The services are on offer and utilised 24 hours a day 7 days a week through intervention, appointments, electronic mail or via a phone call.

In 2006 oral and written submissions made to the third Programme of Law Reform were accepted as the basis for recommended changes to family law and the quality of services provided is coming to the fore in political, electronic and printed media. It has been a long and arduous journey.

Very early in its inception it transpired that men need a one stop solution. They loathe seeking and searching what little help is available. Their level of self awareness leaves a lot to be desired and especially with the erosion of their role as the sole provider have little or no sense of identity. Their resistance to change and a constant state of denial when faced with issues affecting their mental well being is frightening. Their reluctance to accept and acknowledge the applications of family law has left them in dire straits and at times suicidal.

Another serious aspect becomes apparent when dealing with young males, who carry core beliefs imposed by their parents and the environmental conditioning which is leading them to dysfunctional coping mechanisms heavily influenced by soft and hard drugs often accompanied by alcohol abuse.

Children are one third of our population and our entire future. Right now our future looks bleak unless urgent interventions are introduced.

When Men get depressed, lonely or are otherwise affected by family breakdown, separation or divorce, where can they get support in dealing with issues that arise? 400,000 people in Ireland currently suffer from depression, but many hide their depression and never get help. Over 80% of reported suicides are committed by men.

Depression amongst young Irish males is one of the highest in Europe alongside the statistics for male suicide. This difference may be related to women being more likely to seek help for depression than men, so the rate of male depression may be underreported. Men’s reticence to seek help may be due to men finding it harder to admit that they are depressed and need help because they see it as shameful and a sign of weakness.

During my professional career and observations of life across different nations and nationalities, more or less the very same came to the fore. Men need to expand their vision and observe the realities of life as it evolves, especially within the confines of a modern family.

In one stop shop we provide counselling, mediation and legal advice as an intervention and make referrals when appropriate. With assistance from City of Galway VEC we have organised community development workshops for our volunteers. Also for the public we organised educational workshops in family law and mental health which proved a huge success while the need for more of the same is acknowledged.

Same has been organised for the army, voluntary bodies, community groups, the diocesan priests and of late scouts organisation has expressed interest in networking with the charity through its mentors Programme. This year we have seen people coming from AA and NA from as afar as Dublin, Kerry, Cork, Tipperary and Charlestown. Most of them through lack of emotional nurture and support ended up being drugs dependant through family breakdown or its dysfunctionality and for the first time have found a service suited to their needs.

Yes the word of mouth is travelling slowly but constructively.

Recently here in the Menlo Park Hotel we launched Mentors Programme for men designed in personal development, peer support and self disclosure. Once a week in a safe environment they are encouraged to discuss issues in their daily lives. Already men’s groups from Athlone, Irishtown and Carlow and Cork have approached the charity seeking help and advice in setting up similar programmes in their towns and cities.

What is urgently required is a focused approach on education, participation, awareness and creation of male role models alongside support services for men suffering domestic violence may it be physical, emotional or psychological. They still feel embarrassed and ashamed for they don’t know any better. In general they feel that no one would listen or believe and the lack of support services reinforces their logic.

The older generation of men is becoming isolated and desolate while the younger male is found oblivious of his emotional needs and finds it difficult to differentiate between his needs and wants.

In the meantime the importance of Counselling and psychotherapy can never be overstated. Facilitated support groups help bring to the fore problems a modern Irish male is facing and yes contrary to the popular belief, they can talk. The problem tends to be how to keep them quiet for once they have so much to tell. Sadly their lack of understanding in relationship skills, communication and especially communication of feelings, verbal and emotional tends to be non existent.

It’s been my observation that the Irish male is distinctly stuck in the past and the inherited traits of his forefathers are the ones in practice to the detriment of his emotional and general well being.


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