Your Letters & Feedback
Please note. All e mails in need of a reply are answered in confidence and relevant advice and solutions are given.
Due to the large number of letters received, extreme care is taken in publishing letters that relate to many others that we have not been able to publish. Currently Over 189,000 separated Fathers exist in this country alone, ‘Unmarried and Married’.
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9 January 2007
Dear Sam
I am a mother and I would like to say thank you for highlighting the vast injustices these legal reprobates bestow on families, but especially on the children of Ireland in the name of family law. These legal people have contributed to the failure of every aspect of our society, how, at such a traumatic time in our lives our only option is to seek out one of these people whose sole interest is ‘money in their pockets’ and not the welfare and emotional protection of our children.
Having raised three children on my own for the past eighteen years and having been through the mill with the so called family courts, I can honestly say nothing has changed to this present day. Justice is not served to broken families and certainly not to our beautiful children who should be protected by our constitution unless circumstances are made difficult by ie. alcohol, drugs, abuse etc.
I would also like to say that the children have a right and a need to have a relationship with both of their parents, mothers and fathers are equally important to them and those of us who do not look after our babies should hang their heads in shame. But most of all these criminals in suits masquerading as upholders of the law need to be held accountable for the damage they are doing to our nation’s broken families. Thank you for letting me express a small amount of my many feelings on this travesty. lily
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Date: 21 Dec 2006
Dear Sam
What about the men who use the gardai to get back at women and their kids. My daughter’s father assaulted her, she ran away and he went to the police the following week when she refused to go with him. He said to the police that I was breaking a court order. I told the police that the assault had been reported to them, there was a doctors report etc. He eventually took me to court for not allowing him to take a child who he had assaulted and who is refusing to go with him. You should think about the ‘bad fathers’ out there. You are saying that all fathers should see their kids. What about the fathers who assault their kids and partners in front of the kids? Those fathers who tell their kids to lie to their mothers when they come home – to not tell their mother that they have moved or changed phone number. What about the fathers who refuse to give ex-partners phone numbers and new addresses and still want to take the children. What if the ex-partner did the same??? NOT ALL FATHERS SHOULD BE ALLOWED SEE THEIR KIDS!!!
Dear Madam. Not once have I ever argued on behalf of an abusive man/father nor do I intend to begin now. One must understand the fact that this human sickness is not limited just to men and cannot be plainly described or allocated as a gender issue. The contempt I have for such people, women and men alike, is beyond description and they do not deserve to be described as either ‘Mothers’ of ‘Fathers’. The problem I have is with the system that continuously destroys lives of mostly innocent , decent and loving Fathers.
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Date: 15 Dec 2006
Comments:
These are great stories and a reminder to me why I am never EVER getting married in this country.
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Date: 09 Dec 2006
Comments:
When you guys start contributing to your children at a realistic rate then I am sure people will start taking you more seriously. Much of the problem at present is that so many fathers are happy enough to opt out of their childrens lives entirely, and a minority do get involved but in all honesty make minimal contribution to the costs of bringing up their children. The difference is made up by the rest of the society, including working parents who inevitably are cynical about fathers who are not paying their way having the same rights as fathers who do pay their way.
Sorry to contradict you madam/sir, but we are talking about a ‘Large minority’ of ‘Fathers’ who love, care and pay for our children and yet are abused by our partners/ wives, aided and abetted by a corrupt and dysfunctional system, legal and central, and are portrayed in a manner befitting your comments.
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Date: 11 Nov 2006
Hi Sam
I have obtained custody of my three year old son. My ex slept with everything behind my back and left me to look after our son at home while she continued to have a ball (literally). She left after I found her in bed with a fella from work the morning of my birthday which she forgot.. Eventually after leaving me she realised that she couldn’t party with her son so she started abandoning him. I got my life back together and decided to go down the legal route. My solicitor was a joke and told me to expect the worst . My ex never bothered to turn up for either guardianship or custody case so I got full custody. Certain stuff has happened since and I would appreciate if you could contact me with some advice.
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Date: 9 November 2006
Dear Sam
I have trudged this lonely road now for two years as an unmarried father and I was delighted to trip across your website as I felt there was no support for men like me. I don’t know if there are many men like me out there but I don’t know if I can describe the pain I feel. What is wrong with this society and judicial system where they cannot see that a child needs a father in her life.
I am going through the process of courts at the moment and I attended a hearing last week for access and guardianship. At this hearing I was accused of being abusive towards my former partner and daughter. The judge asked me for my reply and I informed him that these allegations where untrue.
This so called respected judge said to me ‘of course you would say that wouldn’t you’. What a pillar of the judicial system? More a demented buffoon if you ask me. Perhaps he might have asked for the evidence rather than infer I was lying. But then this is just a bloody well paid job for these judges and what do they care.
A respected journalist commented to me that I should have been married and then I would have had more rights. Thank god I did not marry this woman as I see her true character now. I am due back in court on the 29th of November for an Interim hearing on access which will more than likely be one hour a week or worse a month in McDonalds from what I keep hearing from everyone. I would like to see the percentage of McDonalds profits coming from Dads seeing their children in there. My daughter is a beautiful little girl and I love her and miss her so bad but I am being kept away by liars, cheats and ignorance of the judicial system that is supported by our wonderful government that is too lazy to deal with the rights of children properly.
I am going to do a John Waters and take this right to the Circuit Court and higher if I have to. Is there anyone out there who can help me legally or offer any helpful advice. Just someone who might understand that my little girl is not seeing her daddy because Mammy is angry.
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Date: 4 October 2006
Hi Guys
If people are wondering why there is a lack of political support for male victims of family courts…perhaps the following will enlighten all you prospective voters out there. Not too long ago I was ‘cornered’ by a (very expensively dressed) young politician…campaigning to keep his seat on the ‘gravy train’. Now I, having been ‘taken to the cleaners’ in the ‘women’s club’…sorry, family courts…and having been threatened that…just one call to the gardai would see me evicted and made homeless, informed this ‘campaigner’ that I was a second class citizen…contrary to the Irish constitution !!….you shouldn’t be too surprised by his response. He said, ‘ah sure, those fella’s in the courts are a law unto themselves….’ !! When I informed this money-grabbing cretin that it was the job of the legislature to ensure that laws were equitable…and seen to be so…his jaw-dropping response was….’ ah sure, these things take time’ ! …Now…I can tell you…that knuckle dragging troglodyte of a politician is not the exception…HE IS THE RULE in this retrograde spastic country…and he’ll smile and pat your baby and kiss your dog’s behind JUST TO RETAIN THAT ‘GRAVY TRAIN’ SEAT IN THE DAIL, with the index linked multi-pensions etc.!! Remember…women’s groups have been working on these corrupt politicians since the early 70s. ‘There’s votes in them women’s groups’…many men seem to have lost interest in politics…and who could blame them? So…the women ‘voters’ get more and more powerful…and the ‘disenfranchised’ husbands and fathers become more and more despondent !! Why is there not more support for male victims of domestic violence ?? POLITICIANS ARE ONLY INTERESTED IN GETTING RE-ELECTED…TO STAY ON THE ‘GRAVY TRAIN’!! When/if politicians realise that there are as many ‘gravy train’ votes to be had from men…then something will be done…and not till then !! So, chaps…forget about Man.UTD vs Liverpool on the box…get organised and get political !!!
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Date: 2 October 2006
Sam
With all due respect, you are completely wasting your time. The system is set up to look after women. Men haven’t a leg to stand on and the sooner you realise this, the sooner you can get on with your lives.
I am being thrown out of my house this Wednesday and am losing my children because my wife is going through a midlife crisis. I was accused of “Domestic Violence”, lies, deceit, spite, hate and vengeance thrown at me and the system f%^&*ed me.
Tell your subscribers that the best thing they can all do is, come to terms with the fact that it’s over, pack your bags, get out and start a new life, if you can!!
Here endeth the lesson! A man
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Date: 17 August 2006
Hello Sam
I would like to thank you with all my heart, i am going to get the ball rolling. Asap. I am very sorry that i didn’t phone you the other day. But I would like to thank you again. I just hope that I do well as a father. My dad was never there for me and i always swore that i would do my best if i ever had kids.
You are a good person and keep up the good work.
__________
Hi Sam
Please keep up the good work, I am a single father who has thankfully obtained guardianship and joint custody of my son. We have come through a difficult situation but have both happily settled into a new home together but I can empathise with many single fathers for whom there is little support out there.
Your Work and the Fathers for Justice and Equality organisation is a source of inspiration and support for all single fathers and their children in Ireland.
Please let me know if I can help in any way. Regards. David
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Date: 29 March 2006
Hi Sam
Hopefully you can give me some information, probably best to fill you in a little on my situation. I was in a relationship for 6 years and soon after the birth of our child we were engaged to be married. My partner always wanted to be a Nurse, but could never afford to go to college, so I decided to help her financially. After a long struggle she completed her studies. It was expensive, I had a mortgage, (House I owned prior to meeting my partner) childcare bill, car and fuel costs.. During this time, I got about on a bicycle and gave her the car. She always said “that once she was trained, paying back our loan would be easy.” (Loans were all in my name).
She finally qualified, and stupid I know, we decided to celebrate. As She said, when I am working things would be great! Two salaries! So we took a family holiday. All this was put on my credit card. On return, She finally got employment in the Galway. For the first 3 weeks things looked great. I re-mortgaged my home to help pay for our new “Family Home (something she always wanted” (30,000 euro) and I also bought a second car for her. Well within 2-3 weeks of moving into our new home, she met someone from work, had an affair, in front of my eyes, and soon after left the home with our daughter.
I am now left with 2 mortgages, one of which she is named on and won’t sign off on! and a 15,000 euro loan in my name (which consists of paying for her studies and a holiday). I can’t even sell the house without her permission! A year later she’s bringing me to court for maintenance and I suspect she may go after the house! I already pay €200 a month, and I take our daughter as much a possible, mainly weekends. To see our daughter, means I do a four-hour trip every weekend, which I can’t really afford, as my parents are currently helping me make ends meet! What do I do.
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Date: 27 March 2006
Thanks Sam
Just to let you know I have been given joint custody of my daughter with my mother. So I am getting back on track. Thanks for your support and advice. It was a great help Thanks again from me and my daughter. Fathers united
__________
Date: 15 March 2006
Hello Sam
Glenn Folan here again from Fr Griffin College. Thank you once again for the interview, it sounds great, was very helpful.
Thanks again, and best of luck!
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Date: 22 February 2006
Hi Sam
I’m now hooked on your website. You seem to know and touch the heart of the matters in a way that I’m sure will reach many, if not all readers. In the dire straits we often find ourselves and others, your reference to prayer along with the identification of the absurd, destructive and often impractical system, is so appropriate and welcome as a voice for all of us at the mercy of THE said system.
Sometimes in our darkest moments it takes another soul to capture in words our deepest distress, our sense of unfair play, our feelings of helplessness, our loss of the most perfect and precious love we can experience on this earth – that of our children, not to mention the devastation and loss to our own everyday lives. You are that soul, you are that voice and your website is your platform – pray long may you devote your considerable energies to this worthy and long avoided cause. I know too that your insight and clarity come from your own history of pain. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your efforts. Neil
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Date:15 February 2006
Hi Sam
Spotted an advertisement for your website in some paper and had a look. I’m very impressed and it’s good to read about other people and their experiences. It helps put my own into perspective.
I’ve just been through the worst 6 months of my life and I’m sure I’ve not seen the light yet!! I’m an unmarried Father to my 4yr old son and have been through the courts to get the usual sorted, like maintenance, access and guardianship. Surprisingly I did well, more as a result of the Mother going through her “honeymoon” period with her new man and not really thinking long term about our son.
Needless to say, she now wants to change the courts decisions as she’s not happy with the arrangement.
My question is, Can she effectively change the courts decision? Added to this the fact that she reckons that on any given Friday when I have my son she can whisk him away for a weekend. Of course this has led to arguments and she has not followed through on her threats, as yet. I believe that this is only due to the shitty weather were having and reckon this will change during the summer. What can I do? Should I report it to An Gardai? Or contact my solicitor? I’m aware that it’s in breach of the court’s order but she has a different slant on that!! Typical….heh….. You can always trust a woman to see the opposite.
Any advice would be great and more power to you. Please keep my name and contact on your files should you need any help or volunteers for any future event. Cormac
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Date: 14 February 2006
Hi Sam
I am glad to find your ad in the paper. I am really lost and I need some advice about my rights being father. I am from Italy and I came to Ireland 3 years ago. I met a girl a couple of times and she got pregnant. After that I tried to get to know her, but she is not really a good person. We are totally different. I decided to live on my own, and help her with everything. I am really a good father and I love my baby more that everything. I came to Ireland for a while but after this I want to live in Ireland to see my baby grow. She doesn’t want to put my name on the birth certificate and she will only let me see my baby when she really needs to, but never when I want. I have to be at her house to see my baby. I cant give my opinion about anything. I am giving her money for my baby, and I really want to be part of this. I want to ask u if I have some rights about putting my name down on the certificate and what I can do to bring my baby with me some days or hours without having to stay at her house listening to her insults and behaviour. Thanks a million!!!
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Date: 13 February 2006
Hi Sam
The question is, I was living with my ex partner for six years, 1998-2005, in 2001 we had a child, (a little girl) my self and my ex partner together raised our daughter until the relationship broke down in 2005, my ex partner and my daughter moved to Donegal in 2005, as I live in co Meath this is a long way from her dad. The problem is my ex partner only lets me see my child when it suits her, (only 3 times in the last 5 months). When I speak to my daughter on the phone, she tells me that she misses her dad and I miss her too, as you can imagine this is very upsetting to my daughter and me. When my ex moved to Donegal, we made an agreement among our selves that I would see my daughter every 2 weeks, but she has since gone back on that agreement. We agreed that she would visit every 2 weeks and stay with me and that I would go to Donegal the next 2 weeks and so on. I have not contacted a solicitor yet as I thought you could supply me with some info regarding my rights. Kind regards.
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Date: 10 February 2006
Hi Sam
Stupidly I signed an agreement that was drawn up by my ex girlfriend. I was left with no choice as she stopped me seeing my son. The agreement included the house and conditions of seeing him. In the agreement it stated to be witnessed by justice of the peace or commissioner of oaths. I handed it in to her solicitor’s office and signed but told the secretary that it was not witnessed. She said no problem, she would do it. Never heard since or got a copy. This was over a month ago.
This week she stopped me seeing my son and I feel I have no control. Should never have signed this. I would be interested to know if it’s legal as it was not witnessed by commissioner of oaths? If you have any information on what I could do next, I would appreciate it.
Some conditions in agreement are impossible or very difficult to meet.
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Date: 9 February 2006
Hi Sam
I enjoyed our little chat on the phone today. I had got your number from the Galway Independent. Decided to check out your web site, You are doing a wonderful job, keep up the good work. I’m afraid I have to admit the well of painful emotion cam tearing through me again as I browsed through the site. The pain and sense of loss and betrayal is just under the skin and not far from a teardrop. No matter how much I have dealt with it, its always with me, its part of me. BUT I BLOODY WELL OWN IT. Its not going to own me, and I will freely give it away if will benefit the cause or anyone else. What I cant understand is why it takes the uneducated and the broken-hearted like myself to educate the educated and well off top dogs. I would love to meet with you sometime soon for an exchange of experiences and perhaps I may be of some kind of help to your organisation in bringing about change or helping others who have being shafted by the system. I’m not very computer literate, just chancing my arm to see if I can do this successfully.
Anyway, HOPE to talk to you soon.
May Your God Bless You, in your endeavours, whatever you conceive him/her to be. Yours Sincerely, Martin
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Date: 4 February 2006
Hi Sam
My name is mark. I won custody of my 3 year old daughter, over two and a half years ago. My ex got in touch with me and now wants my daughter back. I am wondering do you think that the courts would over rule their judgment. I have my daughter in school and she is doing very well. I look forward to hearing form you. Thanks, Mark
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Date: 4 February 2006
Hi Sam
My wife walked out on me and my children almost four years ago. Now I’ve had my three daughters living with me for most of that time. My eldest has purchased her own place recently. My other two have been with me all this time; I was wondering have you any info on where I stand, income/tax wise. Am I entitled to any tax rebate or help from the social welfare department? We are not legally separated yet. Does this matter? I definitely could do with all the advice you can give me
kindest regards, Liam
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Date: 24 January 2006
Hi Sam
I was absolutely delighted to see your advertisement in the Galway Independent showing a web-site for fathers. I have also been a ‘victim’ of our wonderful Judicial System whereby I automatically lost my Home, Car, all my worldly belongings and most importantly, my three beautiful children. I gave my ex-wife everything when we were together, but it was never enough. The verbal bashing, threats, bullying, physical abuse and lies were always the order of the day and I felt that she would always be right no matter what I said or did. I had an excellent job with an International Airline in the UK and the money and prospects were very good. My ex-wife always threatened to take the kids away and move back to Ireland. The in-laws were always taking sides with her i.e.” I wouldn’t take that shite…tell him he has to move back to Ireland or he’s finished”, etc,etc. So, I decided to move my family back to Ireland and continue to work and commute to and from the UK every week. I was happy to separate, but the pain of missing my children was too much, so after 3 years of commuting, I packed the job in and returned to Ireland. I got a Divorce in the UK before I left. (It transpired that my ex-wife got pregnant by an ‘old flame’, had the baby and then had it adopted. I found out 6 months after the event). But my ex-wife still proceeded to drag me through the Courts in Co Mayo and when the deed was done, I had nothing left except the suit I was wearing when I left Court on that fateful day. Well, to be honest, I had my freedom from a very evil woman and that was better than winning the Euro Lottery!
Since then, I have ‘won’ custody of one of my children. He is now living with me and attending school locally. The children were not attending school regularly; they missed approx 60 days each year when they were with her. I went to Social Services and asked them to help me. But, it seems to me that the mother can do absolutely anything and still retain custody of the kids.
I have tried to reason with her in every way. We were on amicable speaking terms for the kids sake, but when I applied for Child Benefit for my son, she went ballistic! ” How dare you take MY money!!”, was the response. Bearing in mind that the same woman sold the Family Home, less than a year ago, which I signed over, and is now in receipt of rent allowance (plus 200,000 out of the sale of the house). Ah, isn’t this a wonderful little Country that we live in!
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Date: 24 January 2006
Hi Sam
I need as much information as possible about dealing with issues of Guardianship, denial or tampering with access and most important of all how to win a custody case in an Irish court if you are the unmarried father of a child
__________
24 January 2006
Hi Sam
I don’t know if you can help, hopefully yes.
On Wednesday this week I went back to court to see if I could stop my ex taking my 3 children to live down the country (she moved there during the school holidays) She was in contempt of both the High Court (which stated she must purchase a home in the same area & my children must not move school without my consent) and a Circuit Court order of this year, the Judge on Wednesday said although she was wrong to be in contempt of both courts, he would not make her return and she can get on with her life, she didn’t even get her hand slapped. If I said anything I would have been held in contempt of court and possibly punished accordingly.
She got the vast majority of the proceeds of sale of the house (€700,000 cash), she has now moved to Cavan where her partner of 4 years lives, she can buy 2 houses in excess of 2,000 sq. feet each and a new BMWX5 (on order) & still have €250,000 in the bank. Her play in court for the past 3 years is that she needed a lot of money from the settlement so she could afford to buy locally in South Dublin. I have been left with nothing… not even a roof over my head! My legal team are saying that I have little or no chance of changing anything.
Is there any way I can get involved, I have been through 6 court cases now and am really pissed off as to the way these women can get away with it. David